Now Serving: Community

A dear friend of mine, who I met in 2006 in a MySpace chat room discussing spirituality, of all places, gifted me with one of my favorite definitions of heaven. She said, “I imagine heaven as no separation. Whatever I am doing, I am one with God. Whether it is driving my car, reading a book, having a conversation with someone, going to work; there would be no separation from God.” That has always stuck with me. How lovely to attempt to create heaven here on Earth through your everyday activity. By being of service to one another, we are honoring the divine in each of us, creating union; no separation.

My favorite prayer right now is The Lord’s Prayer by St. Francis de Assisi:

Lord,

Make me an instrument of your peace.

Where there is hatred, let me sow love.

Where there is injury, pardon.

Where there is doubt, faith.

Where there is despair, hope.

Where there is darkness, light.

Where there is sadness, joy.

Oh, Divine Master,

Grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console.

To be understood as to understand.

To be loved as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive.

It is in pardoning that we are pardoned.

It is in dying that we are born into eternal life.

This prayer guides my daily perspective and it aids me in my response to others. It helps me stay mindful of my values and priorities.  To serve myself is to serve the God in others. It is not as self-sacrificing as it may sound. Rather, it is enriching because this life abides by a code of love and peace. This prayer is especially helpful when communicating with someone with whom I may not fully share ideals. Instead of prioritizing being understood myself, or being right, the call is to understand or to be empathetic to their point of view, possibly opening up a space for a common experience. This may not result in an agreement on facts or beliefs, but it helps foster an atmosphere of mutual respect and above all, kindness.

I am no saint. Not yet anyway. For instance, my teenage son sometimes has to tell me, “Mom, you need to get to your Zen place or something.” Nonetheless, I am continually calibrating my life to this prayer; to this life dedicated to nurturing community as my act of service.  From this moment to my exiting breath, I desire to become even more compassionate, peaceful and loving.  My vessel belongs to the Greater Good, imperfections and all.

The Universe provides abundantly. To honor this richness, the response is to focus on giving of myself.  In the yoga and spiritual communities there is a word that is used to describe this intention: Seva.

Seva is a Sanskrit word that comes from two words ‘seha’ and ‘eva’. The former meaning ‘with that’ and the latter meaning ‘too’ which translates the word Seva to mean ‘together with’.  Seva is blessed actions of selfless service that seek collective upliftment through an expression of compassion and desire to elevate others without any thought of reward or personal benefit. This is a spiritual practice working towards the common good for all or betterment of a community; where “the act itself is a gift to everyone involved” (Daniel Scott) as well as the moral enrichment of the person performing the seva.

Daniel Scott writes in an article he contributed to Mind Body Green, Seva: The Art of Selfless Service:

“Ram Dass explains this beautifully: “Helping out is not some special skill. It is not the domain of rare individuals. It is not confined to a single part of our lives. We simply heed the call of that natural impulse within and follow it where it leads us.”

Despite our seemingly unlimited capacity to connect, it's very easy to feel limited in a world of dynamic change. Asking questions like "Can I really make a difference?" or "How am I supposed to help?" only serve to delay or avoid action. With Seva, the only answer you need is YES.

Yes, I can help. Yes, I will do this. Yes, this is possible.”

A natural reply to living life with a keen sense of gratitude is generosity and sharing. Living in awareness of the many miracles and blessings all around propels me to share the wealth of knowledge and experience I receive with others.  Every person has the right to happiness. We are all agents of change for one another. Living cooperatively and in support of (not responsible for) one another’s success creates tribe culture. Tribe culture creates the framework where many take care of one and one takes care of many and all share in the abundance of the collective.

Operating within the collective, creates heaven on Earth. Because everything we do, large or small is in step with the Divine purpose.  A community that is dedicated to service makes those ‘yeses’ easier, more willing and more rewarding and fun. To see the success in another mirrors the success in us all. With this perspective the possibilities for what can be accomplished together, all with hearts of servants, is infinite! It makes the hairs on my arm stand on end thinking of it.

With a great honor and love of the Oneness that binds us all, whatever name or nameless quality we assign to it; and with love for oneself and for others, mountains move. True leaders are true servants.  Through seva we enact loving change in our local communities that have an immense energetic impact to the world around us.

Waheguru!

All I can say now is, "I am at your service."

Namaste and Sat Nam!

(Note: In my opinion, everyone must hear Servant of Peace sung by the angelic Snatam Kaur)

 

Manifesting Miracles

Last summer, the first inclination toward yoga teacher training lit a spark within me. I had started attending kundalini classes more regularly and what always struck me were the messages shared at each class. These were messages that I could foresee myself sharing with anyone who would be open to receive them.

Of course, I love Hatha and Vinyasa flow yoga as well and yes, the thought had also crossed my mind about taking a teacher training for that form of yoga, but if I had to decide which to do first, I was ignited at the thought of teaching a technology that inspires each individual to embark on a truly significant excavation of self in order to unleash the most compassionate, courageous and creative version of themselves.

Within Kundalini Yoga there are countless empowering kriyas and meditations that revoke the negative mind from imprisoning our ability to manifest our dreams, goals, and intentions. Through this active practice of awareness, the primal purpose is to uplift oneself and others. I have always considered myself a champion for other people's dreams and goals.

At this point, it was more of an intention to enroll in kundalini teacher training, but I still wondered HOW I was actually going to be able to attend. The price tag on the training is significant and while working full time, being a mother of three, dedicated to my communities, would I have the space and time to be successful?

Then May of this year brought me to the end of having to work full time. As I mentioned before, during my work uncertainty, I dug deep into kundalini and this re-ignited my desire to pursue teacher training. On May 29th, I had a significant breakthrough during a kundalini class:

Through the meditation that day, I was visited by a vision of myself as a young girl about six years old. I saw her (me) absolutely clearly: my tight curly hair, my missing-teeth smile, dark skin, lanky frame, and my sweet sweet face. At the sight of myself, I wanted to embrace her and I started to tell her that any message that she ever received about not being good enough were lies. "You are worthy. You can do anything" I told the young visage of myself. As I told her these things, I realized I could finally accept this for myself. I could rid myself of the black magic cast on me when I was too young to know not to accept it. I am not too lazy, too spoiled, too rotten. I am this beautiful little girl staring up at me here to remind me of my pure nature. Her presence also reminded me of the belief I had in myself as a child. I knew then that I could do and be anything I wanted. This experience broke me open in the most profound and healing manner. It was only after class that I found out our blessed teacher was leading us through a mediation that would connect us to our child spirit.

Sharing lunch after class with my teacher and with a friend we had an equally inspiring conversation. I'm thankful for my journal, because I recorded the parts of that conversation I wanted to retain:

Free will vs. Divine Will. Not everything that is free is good. Free will is more concerned with satisfying the ego, whereas divine will is driven by one's Higher Self, the part that reconnects us to our Truth.
We manifest with every breath & every word. Be aware and vigilant of what we are calling to ourselves with our words. If you ever see me waving my hand across the sky and exclaiming, "Cancel that!" you know that I just caught words that I do not want to manifest.
• AND, best part... the first mention of applying for the work-study scholarship for Level One Kundalini Teacher Training was uttered. I remember my friend wondering how decisions are made for the scholarship. Our teacher said, Guru decides. All I knew then was, OK, I'll look into it. Why not?

Also in May, I committed to a creative visualization meditation. Each time I visualized my dream through this meditation the vision continued to expand. On May 31st, I wrote in my journal for the first time, "I am a kundalini trained teacher." By June 4th, I wrote in my journal: 

"I am a kundalini trained teacher, I applied for the scholarship and received it. My gratitude makes me an exceptional student. Disciplined and focused, I do all of my assignments on time."

Four days later, I attended my friends' Kundalini teacher training graduation.  Intoxicated by the energy of the day, I knew I had to join this community. A deep knowing told me that I was going to attend this upcoming fall's class of teachers in training.

After the graduation, I made a point to introduce myself to the administrator of the studio. I was probably beaming from ear to ear as I told her my intention to enroll in the training, and that I would be emailing her to inquire more about the program and also about the work-study scholarship. Three days later, I sent that promised email. I stayed persistent in my efforts to express my deep interest in enrollment by making some follow-up emails, a Facebook connection and phone calls. God bless the administrator for being as lovely as she is with all of my directed enthusiasm.

July 16th, I was sitting at my computer around 3:15 P.M. when I saw a post on Facebook from the yoga school inviting anyone interested in the upcoming teacher training to come that night at 6 PM for an informational discussion. I messaged my hubby, "Babe, I think I need to go to this tonight. I will try to make it back for class tonight. But it's a perfect night to go." An hour later I was on the road to Los Angeles, listening to mantra music, bypassing any frustration that would have been caused by traffic due to the excitement of taking this next step toward manifesting this visualized goal.

So... when I reached the studio and walked in, the administrator recognized me right away, although we hadn't seen each other since graduation over a month prior. She expressed she was happy that someone showed up, because she knew she had given little notice for that night's information session. The fortunate circumstance was that I was the ONLY person who showed up that night! This allowed for the two of us to sit intimately talking and sharing with one another our stories and background. The conversation was so lovely, natural and comfortable.

When I was asked what skills I had that may be useful for the work-study program, I shared about my experience covering my home yoga studio while the owners were away on vacation. I had been trained on the system that most yoga studios use to operate their business. This was good news, because I wouldn't need extensive training on their system!  By the end of our conversation, I felt we had developed a really genuine rapport. The administrator then says to me that she feels really great about offering me the work-study scholarship if I can commit to the time requirements.

Waheguru!!!

Yogi Bhajan, the Guru who brought Kundalini to the West, says, "Creation is ready to serve you, if you just BE YOU." That's what I did. I was me and it got me the work-study scholarship!

Yogi Bhajan also says, "I do not believe in miracles, I rely on them."

This time is miraculous for me. Through losing my job, I was able to help my friends out by covering their yoga studio; this gave me the opportunity to learn a system that was my shoe-in skill to qualify for the work-study scholarship at the yoga school at which I desired to train.  I had declared this reality so in my journal over a month before it ALL CAME TRUE!

I take nothing for granted. I live in gratitude now more than ever.

There is another miracle that I am manifesting. Part of my spiritual development encouraged by one my spiritual teachers is to become a social entrepreneur. Any social action requires the involvement of many. My vision is to use all of these opportunities for growth, education, and skill-building to serve others. Through my creative visualization, it has been revealed to me the scope for which I am building the foundation. However, this scope of service will involve many hands, minds, hearts, talents, and contributors. To prepare me for all the recruiting and funding I will be called to accomplish, I am fundraising my portion of the kundalini yoga teacher training.

Let me be very honest with you, this is a breakthrough goal for me. I learned at the California's Women's Conference I attended in May that a breakthrough goal is a quantum leap that will require me to grow in order to achieve it. I will have to learn something new or change to reach the goal. Up to this point, I have been miserable with fundraising. It seriously gives me an ache in my belly. But on May 20th, I wrote in my journal during a breakout session at the Women's Conference, "Funding - my biggest challenge --> mental block. May be an area I need to grow in --> Breakout Goal?" This statement was more prophetic than I realized at the time. Seventeen days later, my spiritual teacher gives me the challenge of seeing myself as a social entrepreneur and a big component is fundraising. This is no coincidence. This is Divine Will playing itself out through me.

Many of you following along on my blog and those I have shared my story with have also expressed your enthusiasm for this journey. I now humbly ask you to support me in reaching my goal amount for my financial contribution toward teacher training. This is a big act of trust. Trust that I can ask you and accept whatever blessing you bestow on this goal of mine. Whether it is a financial blessing or a prayer of goodwill, I am at your service.

I have set up a GoFundMe account to raise money: Raise 4 Z's Kundalini Training. I am raising $2,000 to cover my portion of the training and to cover gas required to travel up to LA weekly for the work-study and one weekend a month for training.

In return, I will continue to update you all with this blog, and as an added bonus, part of my training is to teach my community, so I would love for you to be part of my first classes. I may even upload videos, for my long distance tribe members.

I could choose to be shy and entertain feelings of unworthiness, but no way! I choose to keep my TRUST and ENTHUSIASM high. I am already reaching this goal. Intention set. Can I have your blessing?

Thank you for following along with my journey and for partnering up with me in manifesting miracles.

Sat Nam & Namaste!

Z

Critics Confirm Confidence

Criticism is inevitable. Last week I confronted my first dose of it. Perhaps, the critical voice took me by a bit of surprise because I have been existing in a bubble of flourishing support. Everything is rigged in my favor, so instead of reacting in defense of myself, which would only be protecting ego against ego, I took advantage of the lesson to practice consciousness.

I choose to see criticism as another opportunity to learn how to face opposition. I let it ignite my driving force to pursue job creation even more fervently. Not to prove anything to my critic, per se, rather I use this opposing voice as a mirror to examine my own intentions. I affirm and rid myself of any doubt that the direction I am being led is creating an independence that inspires interdependence. Meaning, the employment I am creating will sustain me and my family, and it will serve and sustain others. The vocation I seek creates a sense of security and well-being for others that encourages the continual link of caring for one another.   This time is a gift; a gift with a purpose. I am an anecdote in support of Trust.

At a conference I recently attended a speaker said, "If certain people in your life don't see your vision, they weren't meant to." However, the encouraging nature of sharing our journeys with one another is that there are those who do resonate with my vision; they show their support or are inspired to make their own shifts in to live a more content and enriching existence. With this understanding, I can release any attachment to criticism and even praise. I need only live my truth.

As I wrote to myself in my journal:

Do not fear failure. Do not anticipate failure either. Failure is a matter of perspective. Stay positive.

This is your gift to the world. Your enthusiasm and your positivity. All is manifesting.

Your critic is actually a mirror of your own inner naysayer. Embrace and forgive her. Forgive to move past it; to move beyond the fear of criticism and failure.

Be encouraged to work toward self-sustainability where you create wealth and abundance for you, your family and your critics... for everyone!

Forgive and release.

Live in Splendor.

So it is and so it shall be.

Monday Meditation on a Tuesday

Today is Monday.
My intention is to get excited for Monday. To see Monday as merely a checkpoint on my journey. It shouldn't be heavy with To-Dos. In reality, those to-dos were already there. Today is another day to create, to enjoy and gift a piece of me to the world as well as receive all the miracles that makes up this beautiful Monday.

So I will set my intentions for this week. I will ask God and my guides to fortify me with the perfect amount of focus, discipline and enthusiasm to accomplish my wonderful goals. With ease I press forward. I take in all that is around me as integral to this present moment. I accept it all as perfect. Everything is my teacher. Nothing is lacking. There are no problems. There is opportunity all around me.

My unfolded laundry - A chance for pause and mindless meditation.

My to do list - A fun guideline of exciting steps toward recognizing my destiny. Each item is an unwritten  chapter of this miraculous journey.

My children - Reminders of how I want to live life. Enjoy all of them. What heavenly mirrors they are.

Time - My coach that keeps me focused.

Last night, my husband and I spoke about Edward Bloom, the protagonist in the movie Big Fish and how he lived his life according to Rumi's popularized saying:

"It's rigged - everything, in your favor. So there is nothing to worry about." 

No fear. Pure gusto.

Every aspect of my life is working for me; each a probability for greatness. At each juncture there is always the choice to see the glass half full. With enthusiasm for each opportunity, resistance will lessen and I can press forward with ease.

Namaste.

Ruby Red Intuition

Change and its infinite possibilities have an invigorating force. When change bombarded my life, after my initial fears, I welcomed it with an unusual embrace. I chose to see my job termination as liberation, a welcoming into my new impassioned life. My supportive community's energetic well wishes levitated my spirits to heights where any desired avenue felt within my reach. However, a great sense of responsibility overcame me as well. Pursuing this new life was not meant for my self-realization alone, it included doing well by family, my community, and my world. I wanted to be sure I wasn't deluding myself. 

Remember, I have no tangible plan. I have a calling – to serve with my talents; and I have a mantra – Pray and Move Your Feet.  But how do I know if I am listening with my spiritual ears? How can I be sure that I am not just telling myself what I want to hear so I can feel good about losing my job? I mean, I am steering toward my destiny on this premise. I needed assurances.

In order to stay centered, I committed to reciting a mantra that I learned in kundalini yoga for forty consecutive days: The Triple Mantra.  Practicing this mantra provides protection from accidents and keeps negativity away. It allows the mind to talk to itself in a cosmic way by reprogramming it to operate from neutrality, helping to be guided by faith and not fear which ultimately opens ourselves to expansion and creativity. Perfect, right?  To end the Triple Mantra, it is instructed to sit in silence and listen.

As I practiced each morning, I experienced that the silence is the meat of meditation.  Silence is the beginning and the answer to everything. This is where I hear with my spiritual ears. In this sacred silence, I began hearing responses to questions on which I sought answers. This is where I meet with Voice.  Although I was filled with such a serene peace after these revealing moments, a seed of doubt within still wondered, "Is it really what I think it is? God? Spirit? Inner Knowing? Higher Self? My divinity?"  Its name is not really important to me here, but could I trust Voice? 

For instance, since I had been terminated from my employer, when I applied for unemployment, the circumstances that lead to my termination had to be verified by a phone interview with the Employment Development Department (EDD).  During my morning meditation the day of my phone interview, I offered up the anxiety I had about what I should say and speculation of what EDD would decide: approval or appear before an appeals court?  The direction from Voice was to have integrity and everything would be fine. Be truthful.  When the call came in, I took a deep breath, placed my free hand in Buddhi mudra, which aids in clear communication, and I answered the questions calmly and honestly. The EDD representative informed me that they would need to verify a couple of things with my former employer, and if there were no further issues I would receive notification that my claim was approved. At the end of the call I was nervous for a moment, but then I took another deep breath, exhaled, and texted my husband that I felt I did my best, I was clear and honest and now it was in God’s hands. 

A week or so later, my husband checked the mail and in there was my approved claim form! Wahe Guru! Har Har Har Har! But where was the money?

EDD provides payment through a debit card. We received the approval form, but there was no card. So we waited. And we waited. After another week, Doubt began to sprout roots again. Maybe something went wrong. What if I don’t get it after all?

In my meditations, I offered up my doubts. Voice answered, “You’re fine. Everything is taken care of; just keep doing what you’re doing.”  By no coincidence, in my yoga classes, my teachers spoke about how the Universe honors the heart of love and service by providing means to sustain a livelihood in order to free up energy and will to serve. Trust in the Universe is paramount here. For this reason there is no need for me to worry about money.  

More time passed with no card arriving in the mail, I went again into meditation, and just like my six-year-old daughter repeats her questions I asked again about the money.  I was a child and Voice became my parent, “I already answered you, everything is taken care of. You don’t need to worry. Keep doing what you’re doing.”

My husband finally prodded me to inquire with EDD about the debit card.  I called and the recorded greeting informed me that if a claimant had been issued an EDD debit card it expires in three years. In a flash of clarity I thought to myself, "my youngest son is three-years-old, and three years ago I was on maternity leave after he was born; my benefits were given through a debit card." Wait…

Suddenly, I remembered that under the center console of my car is an old wallet that I store cards I hardly use and I was pretty sure I kept the old EDD card in there. I walked out to my car and sure enough, as I recalled, in the hoarder wallet of forgotten cards, there it was!  

Incredulously, I hesitated for a moment; this would be too easy, too weird, and too coincidental. But I called the number on the back of the card anyway, followed the electronic prompts and sure enough… the entire balance of my claim for the past three weeks was on THAT card!!! I had the money all along just like Voice had assured me.

You’re fine. Everything is taken care of; just keep doing what you’re doing.

What a confirmation! I am listening with my spiritual ears. I can trust Voice. I have an inner guide that I can surrender my doubts and fears to; and in the sublime silence be wisely directed.  A friend who was there for this revelation said, “You’re like Dorothy! You had the ruby slippers on the whole time.” I clicked my heels in delight.

In Guru Singh’s latest book, Buried Treasures, he writes, “Use the tools you’re learning about. Meditation is your power; prayer is your guide; and silence is your messenger.”

I am learning to use Fear and Doubt to my benefit. When their anxious songs begin, I know it is my signal to return to a neutral mind state. I must seek silence so Voice can speak.  I feel like I am in Edification Camp with Soul. Soul is building me up right now. Providing me with these important lessons and confirmations, teaching me to keep aware, to quiet myself, to surrender and to trust so when obstacles or opposition come my way, I will embrace and love them without resistance so I can flow around them and keep pushing forward on my mission.

Meditation has now become my internal GPS device directing me to achieve my goals. I may not have a concrete plan, but I do have an internal map and guide that leads me by faith and intuition. This is Voice.  Just like most of us do not head out to a new destination without consulting some kind of satellite navigation, I am learning to tune in to my internal GPS on this wild new trek. 

And you know… Voice doesn't sound like "Siri", she sounds like me. 

RELEASED! From Safe & Stable to Embarking a Path of Faith & Passion

Thank you for the opportunity to grow. Thank you that of all the challenges that I could have faced, this is the one I have been given. Let me rise up to meet this opportunity with gratitude and by giving my best.

This response is a stark contrast to my initial response two and a half weeks prior.

As big life changes typically arrive, from one moment to the next everything is different. One second before, status-quo-run-of-the-mill existence, once second later… complete upheaval.

Emotionally, intellectually, even within the sensory experience, life takes on a joltingly foreign quality.  The only thing that feels familiar is that this alienating sensation is the same one I felt last time life shifted drastically and suddenly.  

For me, my extremities turn cold while my guts liquefy. My heart hollows and my stomach tenses and sinks.  Emotions are somewhat numb at first, and then my old friend Fear takes his unwelcome residence on the couch of my mind, stenching up the place with diatribes of worst-case scenarios. Not too far behind, knocking at the door of my thoughts is that skank Self-Criticism, with her shrill voice yarning tales of what I could have done differently to prevent this change, weaving doubt into every fiber of my mind and body.

Luckily, I've become best friends with Soul lately. The past ten years hasn’t been in vain as much as Fear and Self-Criticism would have liked me to believe. Soul assures me of that. Soul has been with me longer than Fear & Self-Criticism.  Soul is quieter than the other two, but she’s stronger. Soul has been there since before this earthly expression and will be there after I transition to the next cosmic adventure. Soul whispered to me to return to Source in the darkest hour after my job instability began.  And since her voice was a whisper amongst the gnashing and gnarly voices belonging to Fear and Self-Criticism, I could distinctly hear her.

Her voice directed me to seek out comfort and reassurances in the peace of the greater good that is bigger than any circumstance, even ones that are painful and riddled with anxiety.  I knew I needed to immerse myself in activities and environments that kept me in remembrance of these truths to get me through the insecurity. I had always wanted to dedicate myself to a meditation practice, and in the midst of a great unknown, there was no time like the present.

Yoga is my lifeline. My yoga practice continuously teaches me to accept the present moment, challenges me to accept where I am in my practice or in life, and  encourages me to find peace and truth in every moment. 

For instance, there is a yoga pose that continues to elude me called Crow, or in Sanskrit, Bakasana, which I have been attempting for two years.

I have set the intention to steadily hold this pose one day, and even though it has been two years in the making, I know that whatever progress I make in my attempts in this pose is good. I have a knowing that the Universe is keeping Crow pose just out of reach to teach me valuable lessons about perseverance and patience.

Each time I meet my mat to endeavor Bakasana, there is an inner dialogue that occurs: a mix of anxiety and hopeful anticipation, a review of the countless tips I have received from my instructors and fellow yogis, and a self pep-talk assuring myself  I’m strong enough. With a deep breath I fold over, place my hands on the mat and begin to position my knees behind my armpits; I lean over placing more weight into my hands, lift one foot of the ground, inch the other foot off the mat, remember to engage the belly, and maybe for a split second I hover off the ground.  After each attempt, I have to make a choice between frustration and accomplishment.

One of my yoga instructors framed it nicely for me by saying, “We practice on the mat what we’re going to need ‘out there’ off of our mats.”  Countless lessons have been learned on the mat and now I know it has prepared me well to face the obstacles, challenges and opportunities ahead of me.

About a year ago, I was introduced to Kundalini Yoga, which is considered the yoga of awareness. Through meditation, pranayama (breath work), chanting mantras and yoga poses one can cultivate creative spiritual potential focused on compassion and consciousness needed to serve and elevate others. A good meditation practice is on many people’s ‘to-do’ list.  Those who have initiated their own mediation practice always swear it is their lifeline. Before, I would nod intellectually in agreement, but I too had yet to commit to my own personal practice.  Well in the midst of crisis, I felt fortunate to employ my cultivated resources to assist me in keeping perspective during such a time of distress.

There was a two and a half week period of limbo as I awaited my job fate.  Would I stay or would I go?

 The first couple of days were the darkest.  Since, I was unable to return to work, I began to take a couple of yoga and meditation classes per day. In the beginning Self-Criticism sneared at me, “You’re almost thirty-seven years old, and you are now going to have to start all over,” she would say.  “Who is going to hire a late-30s Secretary?  You have wasted these past ten years and now what are you going to do? You really screwed up this time!  And you’re not even prepared.”

Fear chimed in with, “Oh God, what about the kids? They don’t deserve this.  What if you become homeless?  What legacy are you leaving for them?”

And now it’s time for a breakdown… of Girl Interrupted proportions. It was Thursday. I was waiting to hear if I could return to work.  In a robotic kind of tone, void of human affect, my new boss shortly notified me that I was not to report back until I hear back from him the following week; more agonizing days to wait to hear my fate. With no further explanation, the call ended. Hello, Fear. Hello Self-Criticism and HELLO XANAX! 

I tried to take a relaxing shower, but when I came out I just fell to the floor and had the worst of my panic attacks. “Maybe this is my time to suffer. Everyone suffers. Oh God, the kids. They don’t deserve this!  I’m so sorry, Babe. I’m so sorry.” Sob. Sob. Sob.

Thankfully, Soul’s persuasive whisper beckoned me to remember that a grateful heart can withstand any trial in life.  I started reciting mantras like Love conquers fear. God is bigger than any circumstance, and singing old hymns like I’ve got peace like a river I’ve got peace like a river I’ve got peace like a river in my soul. Apprehension in my chest and solar plexus were not so easily removed.  Often the physical manifestations of stress yanked my emotional and mental state back into crisis despite my resolve to remain positive.

At my darkest hour I pondered, “Everyone prays. They pray for their loved ones to be healed. They pray for peace. So many people are suffering. Does prayer even work?”

The doubt was seeded in my observations of all the suffering, all the diseases  and injustices in the world. Aren’t they all praying? 

So as you follow along with me on this blog, you will get to know the characters of this expansive conscientious community in which I exist.  One of these beautiful souls is an earth-angel teacher friend of mine, who was quick to correct my assumption about prayer.

She cautioned me that some may sometimes pray from fear and doubt, not from love and trust. We also do not know if they are doing the work, clearing out their spiritual and emotional blockages. “You need to pray and move your feet.” Before,  I was stuck in idea mode, but was resistant to step out on my own.

 Why? Because of the HOW-factor. How will it all work out? How could I make money with what I’m good at?  Hard-headed me, however, had already learned from many teachers that we aren't to concern ourselves with the HOW. My beautiful friend said my fear was keeping me from living in TRUST and FAITH. I need to give my fears UP. Literally UP, like I’m setting up a volleyball, send my fears up and repeat this mantra, “I give this fear [or doubt] to you. I trust. Show me.”

This was the calibration I needed. Right in this new moment, I began stepping one foot in front of the other on the faith brick road off to meet my destiny. Armored in trust, love and courage, donning my ruby inner wisdom slippers the adventure looked bright ahead of me and yet nothing externally had changed.

I had started working at the hospital as a temporary employee. It was supposed to be a six-week-gig. As weeks turned into months, then years, I knew I was meant to spend these valuable eight-hours a day doing something else; something that ignited my heart.

But again, Fear’s cousin, Doubt would question, “How do I just walk away from a stable job, with a good salary and full benefits to follow a dream?”  I am a mother of three living in a desirable area of Southern California. My job was only four miles from home and the kids’ schools. Is it selfish to just walk away from all of that to pursue passion?

Well when you hesitate to make your own decisions, life will make them for you. Two and half weeks of limbo ended with an unceremonious dismissal from my employment.  At the end of a regular work day through the back door of my office, I was escorted to clear out all of my personal items from my work space. Ten years of memorabilia and affects crammed into three carton boxes. No farewell party, no fanfare. I was ushered quietly out as if I had never been there at all.

My mother came over to our home to pray with my husband and me immediately after I called her to tell her the final decision. We each took a turns to pray; I went last. I took a deep breath and a sweet stillness came over me:

“Thank you for the opportunity to grow. Thank you that of all the challenges that I could have faced, this is the one I have been given. Let me rise up to meet this opportunity with gratitude and by giving my best.”

I had a choice: I could feel really bad or I could feel good about my new moment in life. I chose to feel good; to feel great; to feel enthusiastic! I was set free to finally answer the call that had been on hold for over ten years. 

Did I have a plan? No.

What did I have? Faith. Trust. And a grand community of support. I wasn't sure what the response would be from my parents and my in-laws. Would they understand a non-pragmatic approach to job-creation? Well, yes, actually they did! In fact, all my circles of influence jumped on the ZENthusiasm Train.  The more I tell my story about losing my job and feeling awesome about it, a swelling of enthusiasm and hope rises.

What does this all mean? I think it signifies that we’re ready for more and more people to awaken to their highest purpose. Dismiss the old definitions of linear pragmatic existences and realize that being your greatest expression, sharing your innate talents and gifts with the world is the ultimate contribution to this life, to society, to our children, to our planet, to one another.

I recently went to see Amma, often referred to as the Hugging Saint. A famous quote of hers is,

"What the world needs are servants, not leaders. Everyone’s wish is to become a leader. Let us become a real servant instead… A real servant my is a real leader.”

That’s my vision; to serve with my talents. My vision is as close to a plan as I have; that and my journal. I am channeling my vision through my journal, and I can’t wait to share more about the places it has already taken me.

Let me close here by reminding you all to tune into Soul’s whisper. It exists in each one of us. It’s the guide that will never lead us astray. Fear, Doubt and Self-Criticism continuously try to jumble up the frequency, but they have nothing on Soul. Also, tap into your tribes, your communities of support. When we exist in tribes where most are listening to Soul, she’s a lot easier to hear.

Blessings, my Friends.

Namaste and..

Sat Nam!

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An Extrovert's Kryptonite: The Question The French Don't Ask

"So what do you do for a living?"

Oh no. Why is this always the second question I get asked after meeting someone new?  I feel my breath shorten, shoulders tense and the pit of my stomach tightens. My eyes dart around looking around to see if I can segue into another conversation before I have to humor this torturous inquiry.

What do I do for a living?  Well... I live. I love. I celebrate. I experiment with life experiences. There are one hundred answers I'd like to offer, but I know what my new acquaintance is asking, "What's your paid gig? What's that flashy title that describes what you do eight hours of your daily life?"  The anxiety surrounding this common small-talk question feels like someone turned on the interrogation light on all the missteps of my career path.  Literally, sweat beads at my frizzy hairline as the heat of this question stirs within me frazzled self-criticisms. 

"I work at a hospital."  That's interesting enough, right?  

"Oh! Are you a nurse?" Damn! Wouldn't it be great if I were a nurse? Except for the fact that bodily fluids not belonging to one of my three children sends me into a weird visceral claustrophobic reaction.

  

"No, not a nurse. I work in healthcare security." Puzzled, I see they have no idea what this means, and the first association made is... "Oh are you a security guard?"  They look me over trying to associate my eclectic boho-hippie appearance with being a uniform-wearing, badge yielding, safety enforcing rent-a-cop.  I guess it would be kind of interesting if I were a security officer; just for the sake of juxtaposition.

"No. I work as the assistant in the security office."  There! Happy?  Impressed?  Didn't think so. I shrink inside.  I charismatically switch the conversation, probably using some kind of hilarious movie quote or complimenting someone's outfit. "Oh. Ok..." they reply, and perhaps continue to  ask what that entails, but let's be honest, office jobs hardly hold people's attention for long amid the hustle and bustle of a soirée.

I'd think to myself. I am so much more than what I do to make money. My job isn't what I do for a living, it is what I do to live the life I live.  It says nothing about me. But what if it does say more about me than I think?  Does it say... I settled? Did I give up?  

What about all those dreams I have?  What about all those amazing creative pursuits I used think I'd get to? The ideas dreamed and shared in smoky drunken living rooms about building cooperative communities that would change the oppressive economy and reverse our society's toxic self-serving materialistic values? You did catch the boho-hippie reference earlier, right? So, you get the picture.

For as many social gatherings as I attend, and for as many new people as I am happy to meet, being the outstanding extrovert that I am, I admit that having issues with this question is ridiculous.  It is an ice-breaker conversation to most, except to me it is paralyzing.

Or perhaps I'm not so ridiculous at my discomfort with being asked about my occupation.  In fact, in France, it is considered improper etiquette to "ask personal questions related to occupation, salary, age, family or children unless you have a well-established friendship."

In an episode of This American Life cataloging the experiences of Americans living in Paris, it  highlighted  a couple of enticing cultural values that American expatriates revere.

One,  people do not ask personal questions. "You're not constantly explaining yourself."

Secondly, "There isn't that same striving to be Number One. Work is not that important to most people."

Late author, Janet McDonald, then living in Paris at the time of the broadcast, said,

"I feel most inside right now where I am most outside. Go figure. That's what freedom is, though. It's not about nothing left to lose. It is about nothing left to be. You don't have to be anything."

To set the record straight, the job I had for over a ten years was a blessing to me and my family.  It provided me stability at a time in my life where there was a mess of chaos.  I reminisce about the time in my mid-20s, newly graduated from University, a single-mother of a four-year-old son, still feeling as if I had somehow missed a class that everyone had taken on how to be an adult.  There were basic life skills that I had yet to master when I found this temporary gig that I ended up staying permanently for over a decade. My boss understood the leniency I needed and he allowed me to grow up there. He also allowed me to be the gregarious spirit I am at the office; laughing loudly, recounting my out-of-office adventures, singing maybe a bit too loud to whatever tunes were going to get me through the day.  I'd joke with my boss whenever my personality was a bit too colorful and exclaim, "C'mon, you know I am good for the environment!"

I made dear friends at this job. We have seen each other through so many life changes: weddings, divorces, illnesses, births, deaths, layoffs, and firings. When we come together, no time really passes in our affection for one another. Oh and our own social parties... Whew! Those have many Stay-In-Vegas disclaimers to them, yet it is one of our greatest joys to recount them to one another.

So, what's the issue, Dear?

The job itself was great and many people would be fortunate to work as I did, especially in a time where so many people are looking for work. Despite all the silver linings I identified with my job, a critical element was lacking... passion.  My gifts and talents were utilized somewhat, but not how I imagined.  As I witnessed several of my friends living their dream jobs, and I championing their risks and endeavors, I wondered if I too could integrate what I do for a living with living a life of passion and service?

Well, my Friends, I am overjoyed to report that I am at the precipice of that reality now.  One of my yoga instructors shared during meditation, "Sometimes the most beautiful gifts come in ugly packaging."  That rang true for me.  I have been released to explore, to create, to trust in the greater good and  I embark in the claiming of my miraculous life.

Stay tuned because it keeps getting better.  In my next entry I will share the revelations I have already gained from being RELEASED! From Safe & Stable to Embarking a Path of Faith & Passion.

My intention for this blog is to share stories: my own and others that encourage, uplift and elevate each of our stake in living our most joyful life through  fanciful exploration of finding truth in every experience. I am your resident enthusiast and I hope you will join and share in this journey with me!

Namaste.