RELEASED! From Safe & Stable to Embarking a Path of Faith & Passion

Thank you for the opportunity to grow. Thank you that of all the challenges that I could have faced, this is the one I have been given. Let me rise up to meet this opportunity with gratitude and by giving my best.

This response is a stark contrast to my initial response two and a half weeks prior.

As big life changes typically arrive, from one moment to the next everything is different. One second before, status-quo-run-of-the-mill existence, once second later… complete upheaval.

Emotionally, intellectually, even within the sensory experience, life takes on a joltingly foreign quality.  The only thing that feels familiar is that this alienating sensation is the same one I felt last time life shifted drastically and suddenly.  

For me, my extremities turn cold while my guts liquefy. My heart hollows and my stomach tenses and sinks.  Emotions are somewhat numb at first, and then my old friend Fear takes his unwelcome residence on the couch of my mind, stenching up the place with diatribes of worst-case scenarios. Not too far behind, knocking at the door of my thoughts is that skank Self-Criticism, with her shrill voice yarning tales of what I could have done differently to prevent this change, weaving doubt into every fiber of my mind and body.

Luckily, I've become best friends with Soul lately. The past ten years hasn’t been in vain as much as Fear and Self-Criticism would have liked me to believe. Soul assures me of that. Soul has been with me longer than Fear & Self-Criticism.  Soul is quieter than the other two, but she’s stronger. Soul has been there since before this earthly expression and will be there after I transition to the next cosmic adventure. Soul whispered to me to return to Source in the darkest hour after my job instability began.  And since her voice was a whisper amongst the gnashing and gnarly voices belonging to Fear and Self-Criticism, I could distinctly hear her.

Her voice directed me to seek out comfort and reassurances in the peace of the greater good that is bigger than any circumstance, even ones that are painful and riddled with anxiety.  I knew I needed to immerse myself in activities and environments that kept me in remembrance of these truths to get me through the insecurity. I had always wanted to dedicate myself to a meditation practice, and in the midst of a great unknown, there was no time like the present.

Yoga is my lifeline. My yoga practice continuously teaches me to accept the present moment, challenges me to accept where I am in my practice or in life, and  encourages me to find peace and truth in every moment. 

For instance, there is a yoga pose that continues to elude me called Crow, or in Sanskrit, Bakasana, which I have been attempting for two years.

I have set the intention to steadily hold this pose one day, and even though it has been two years in the making, I know that whatever progress I make in my attempts in this pose is good. I have a knowing that the Universe is keeping Crow pose just out of reach to teach me valuable lessons about perseverance and patience.

Each time I meet my mat to endeavor Bakasana, there is an inner dialogue that occurs: a mix of anxiety and hopeful anticipation, a review of the countless tips I have received from my instructors and fellow yogis, and a self pep-talk assuring myself  I’m strong enough. With a deep breath I fold over, place my hands on the mat and begin to position my knees behind my armpits; I lean over placing more weight into my hands, lift one foot of the ground, inch the other foot off the mat, remember to engage the belly, and maybe for a split second I hover off the ground.  After each attempt, I have to make a choice between frustration and accomplishment.

One of my yoga instructors framed it nicely for me by saying, “We practice on the mat what we’re going to need ‘out there’ off of our mats.”  Countless lessons have been learned on the mat and now I know it has prepared me well to face the obstacles, challenges and opportunities ahead of me.

About a year ago, I was introduced to Kundalini Yoga, which is considered the yoga of awareness. Through meditation, pranayama (breath work), chanting mantras and yoga poses one can cultivate creative spiritual potential focused on compassion and consciousness needed to serve and elevate others. A good meditation practice is on many people’s ‘to-do’ list.  Those who have initiated their own mediation practice always swear it is their lifeline. Before, I would nod intellectually in agreement, but I too had yet to commit to my own personal practice.  Well in the midst of crisis, I felt fortunate to employ my cultivated resources to assist me in keeping perspective during such a time of distress.

There was a two and a half week period of limbo as I awaited my job fate.  Would I stay or would I go?

 The first couple of days were the darkest.  Since, I was unable to return to work, I began to take a couple of yoga and meditation classes per day. In the beginning Self-Criticism sneared at me, “You’re almost thirty-seven years old, and you are now going to have to start all over,” she would say.  “Who is going to hire a late-30s Secretary?  You have wasted these past ten years and now what are you going to do? You really screwed up this time!  And you’re not even prepared.”

Fear chimed in with, “Oh God, what about the kids? They don’t deserve this.  What if you become homeless?  What legacy are you leaving for them?”

And now it’s time for a breakdown… of Girl Interrupted proportions. It was Thursday. I was waiting to hear if I could return to work.  In a robotic kind of tone, void of human affect, my new boss shortly notified me that I was not to report back until I hear back from him the following week; more agonizing days to wait to hear my fate. With no further explanation, the call ended. Hello, Fear. Hello Self-Criticism and HELLO XANAX! 

I tried to take a relaxing shower, but when I came out I just fell to the floor and had the worst of my panic attacks. “Maybe this is my time to suffer. Everyone suffers. Oh God, the kids. They don’t deserve this!  I’m so sorry, Babe. I’m so sorry.” Sob. Sob. Sob.

Thankfully, Soul’s persuasive whisper beckoned me to remember that a grateful heart can withstand any trial in life.  I started reciting mantras like Love conquers fear. God is bigger than any circumstance, and singing old hymns like I’ve got peace like a river I’ve got peace like a river I’ve got peace like a river in my soul. Apprehension in my chest and solar plexus were not so easily removed.  Often the physical manifestations of stress yanked my emotional and mental state back into crisis despite my resolve to remain positive.

At my darkest hour I pondered, “Everyone prays. They pray for their loved ones to be healed. They pray for peace. So many people are suffering. Does prayer even work?”

The doubt was seeded in my observations of all the suffering, all the diseases  and injustices in the world. Aren’t they all praying? 

So as you follow along with me on this blog, you will get to know the characters of this expansive conscientious community in which I exist.  One of these beautiful souls is an earth-angel teacher friend of mine, who was quick to correct my assumption about prayer.

She cautioned me that some may sometimes pray from fear and doubt, not from love and trust. We also do not know if they are doing the work, clearing out their spiritual and emotional blockages. “You need to pray and move your feet.” Before,  I was stuck in idea mode, but was resistant to step out on my own.

 Why? Because of the HOW-factor. How will it all work out? How could I make money with what I’m good at?  Hard-headed me, however, had already learned from many teachers that we aren't to concern ourselves with the HOW. My beautiful friend said my fear was keeping me from living in TRUST and FAITH. I need to give my fears UP. Literally UP, like I’m setting up a volleyball, send my fears up and repeat this mantra, “I give this fear [or doubt] to you. I trust. Show me.”

This was the calibration I needed. Right in this new moment, I began stepping one foot in front of the other on the faith brick road off to meet my destiny. Armored in trust, love and courage, donning my ruby inner wisdom slippers the adventure looked bright ahead of me and yet nothing externally had changed.

I had started working at the hospital as a temporary employee. It was supposed to be a six-week-gig. As weeks turned into months, then years, I knew I was meant to spend these valuable eight-hours a day doing something else; something that ignited my heart.

But again, Fear’s cousin, Doubt would question, “How do I just walk away from a stable job, with a good salary and full benefits to follow a dream?”  I am a mother of three living in a desirable area of Southern California. My job was only four miles from home and the kids’ schools. Is it selfish to just walk away from all of that to pursue passion?

Well when you hesitate to make your own decisions, life will make them for you. Two and half weeks of limbo ended with an unceremonious dismissal from my employment.  At the end of a regular work day through the back door of my office, I was escorted to clear out all of my personal items from my work space. Ten years of memorabilia and affects crammed into three carton boxes. No farewell party, no fanfare. I was ushered quietly out as if I had never been there at all.

My mother came over to our home to pray with my husband and me immediately after I called her to tell her the final decision. We each took a turns to pray; I went last. I took a deep breath and a sweet stillness came over me:

“Thank you for the opportunity to grow. Thank you that of all the challenges that I could have faced, this is the one I have been given. Let me rise up to meet this opportunity with gratitude and by giving my best.”

I had a choice: I could feel really bad or I could feel good about my new moment in life. I chose to feel good; to feel great; to feel enthusiastic! I was set free to finally answer the call that had been on hold for over ten years. 

Did I have a plan? No.

What did I have? Faith. Trust. And a grand community of support. I wasn't sure what the response would be from my parents and my in-laws. Would they understand a non-pragmatic approach to job-creation? Well, yes, actually they did! In fact, all my circles of influence jumped on the ZENthusiasm Train.  The more I tell my story about losing my job and feeling awesome about it, a swelling of enthusiasm and hope rises.

What does this all mean? I think it signifies that we’re ready for more and more people to awaken to their highest purpose. Dismiss the old definitions of linear pragmatic existences and realize that being your greatest expression, sharing your innate talents and gifts with the world is the ultimate contribution to this life, to society, to our children, to our planet, to one another.

I recently went to see Amma, often referred to as the Hugging Saint. A famous quote of hers is,

"What the world needs are servants, not leaders. Everyone’s wish is to become a leader. Let us become a real servant instead… A real servant my is a real leader.”

That’s my vision; to serve with my talents. My vision is as close to a plan as I have; that and my journal. I am channeling my vision through my journal, and I can’t wait to share more about the places it has already taken me.

Let me close here by reminding you all to tune into Soul’s whisper. It exists in each one of us. It’s the guide that will never lead us astray. Fear, Doubt and Self-Criticism continuously try to jumble up the frequency, but they have nothing on Soul. Also, tap into your tribes, your communities of support. When we exist in tribes where most are listening to Soul, she’s a lot easier to hear.

Blessings, my Friends.

Namaste and..

Sat Nam!

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